Life since our baby became an angel

Well, it's been 10 months since Hailey made her way to her forever home in Heaven.  10 months.  308 days.  It seems like such a short amount of time, but it feels like we haven't held her in years.  

Since I have been so behind in keeping this blog updated with what has been going on with us, I figured I would cram it all in to one post. 

Here we go...

We have celebrated every major holiday.  

I would have to say that Thanksgiving and Christmas were the most difficult to make it through.  Halloween was so soon after she passed, that I think we were still pretty numb to it all.  Thanksgiving hit me so hard.  My dad is such an amazing cook and we had talked for so long about how we would let her try sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.  It was the first time that I really felt what we were missing out on.  

Christmas was rough, but not what I expected. For me, Christmas Eve was my hardest day. I cried all through the 9:00pm service.  At one point in his sermon, I swear Pastor Paul was talking directly to Mike and I. There had been very few times that I had thought about how Hailey's death had impacted him.  He was at the hospital minutes after she passed to baptize her.  I don't know why I never thought about it.  I mean, he's a father of two amazing boys, I should have known he would carry that weight on his shoulders.  After that service, I started to pay more attention to how my friends and family were impacted by my Little Miss. I would say that Christmas was the most difficult for Mike.  He was so looking forward to playing Santa.  We had her stocking, ornaments, and even a Christmas dress complete with a matching bow.  It wasn't easy seeing all of those things go unused by our baby girl.  We did our best and made it through the day with smiles on our faces.  
By the time Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter rolled around, we were self-proclaimed experts at surviving holidays.  We made sure those days were spent celebrating instead of focusing on what we were missing out on.

We have celebrated major events in our friends and family member's lives.
One of the hardest things about the death of a loved one, is that life continues to go on without them.  I still have moments when I think, "I wonder how different this moment would be if Hailey were here with us."  It's not easy, but I snap myself out of it and live in the moment.  One thing I have learned is that anything can happen and I need to make sure I soak up as much of this life that God has blessed me with.

• Brooklyn Doering came into this world.  We have been through some of the best times with Marc and Katie.  Brooklyn was the first baby I held after Hailey passed.  We made our way down to Austin a couple days after Brooklyn was born.  It wasn't the easiest of trips.  We had just been there in August with Hailey...it was all very fresh still.  Mike was amazing with her.  Seeing him interact with her, made me realize how badly I wanted to fill my empty arms.  After that trip, we decided to start trying for a baby.

We don't have any Brooklyn pics from that trip, but there's this gem of her crazy brothers :)

• 2 of our best friends got engaged!  Desirae and Rick will be getting married January 2015 and Brian and Lauren will be getting married September 2014.  We are so very happy for our friends and we can't wait to celebrate their special days with them.

These two crack me up!

• Brolan Story made his grand entrance!  What a crazy, wonderful day this was!  Mike and I were on our way to Austin when we got the group text from Lissa that her water had broken...a few weeks early!  Before we knew it, he was here, legs by his head and showing off his goods :) hahaha.

• My brother graduated from the University of Oklahoma and got his first "big boy job" with IBM.  I could not be more proud of the man he has become.  I still worry about him constantly, but I know he is going to do great things with his life.  

• Lauren and Jeff announced that they are having a baby boy in September 2014!  I can't wait to welcome little Jeffrey to the crazy group of friends we have :

We made an exciting announcement.

On December 29th, God answered our prayer of adding another little baby to our family.

THE pee stick.

We could not be more excited for Hailey to be a big sister.  Since finding out we were pregnant again, we have experienced every emotion in the book (I will go more into details on another post).  There have been the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  Mike has been such an amazing support and I am so blessed to have him by my side. 

In no way have these last 10 months been easy.  There have been times where the tears don't stop and the yelling at God is endless.  However, through all of those hard days, we have our little Rae of sunshine that brings a smile to our faces.  We have celebrated some big events in our lives and our loved ones lives.  There have been multiple birthdays, weddings and anniversaries, date nights, parties, laugh until we cry moments, snuggles with our puppies, dancing, movie watching, work accomplishments, hugs, kisses, and more hugs.  Every single day we have been blessed with friends and family that support us through thick and thin.  Thanks to them, it's getting easier to say that the good is beginning to outshine the bad.  

We have 2 months until Hailey's "Angel Birthday".  There is a lot that will happen in those two months and I'm not sure how we will handle the one year anniversary, but I know that we will be surrounded by love and that's all I could ever need.

Love,
Mary

A Very Special First Birthday

I don't know about you, but when I found out I was pregnant Pinterest became my favorite website.  I would pin everything from funny onesies to first birthday ideas.  She hadn't even arrived yet and her first birthday was planned.  

Unfortunately, things can change in the blink of an eye.  Planning a fun-filled birthday with family and friends seemed pointless after Hailey passed.  All I could think about was if I would be getting out of bed that day.  I decided that I wanted to celebrate her day anyways.  Once Mike and I decided celebrating was something we wanted needed to do, the wheels began to spin.

Every month we send balloons to Hailey with a love note attached.  Mike and I were the only ones who did this.  Sometimes some of our family would join us, but for the most part, it was something we did.  Just the three of us.  I thought it would be fun to let our friends and family join us for her first birthday balloon release.  A date was set, invitations were ordered, and plans were made.  

It wasn't the first birthday I had expected a year ago, but it was everything I hoped it would be.  We were blessed to have so many join us to celebrate.  Those who couldn't make it, wrote their own love notes to Hailey for us to send to her.  We were even blessed to have our favorite photographer come and capture the day for us!  Narci did a fantastic job and we are so thankful for her love and support.   

Thank you to all who came out on June 14th.  We couldn't have asked for a better first birthday for our Little Miss.

Happy First Birthday my littlest love.  Mommy and Daddy love and miss you more than anything.

  

Love,

Mary

Warrior Moms

Mike and I have been blessed with an amazing support group.  Our families and friends have cried and laughed with us.  They don't run away when we say her name.  They join us in telling stories about Hailey and research everything that they can about SIDS and loss.  We are so blessed to have so many who love us and our girl.

After Hailey passed, so many people reached out to us.  It is overwhelming to think back on her visitation and funeral.  Hundreds, literally hundreds, came to show their love and support for our little family.  What has been a blessing that we weren't expecting, was meeting people who have experienced what we were experiencing.  A couple of days after H passed, someone I knew from high school messaged me on Facebook and explained that her older sister had lost their infant son as well. She offered to connect us when I was ready to talk.  This small act of kindness led to one of the greatest supports I have had.  We met Meg for coffee and found that our stories were very similar.  She was able to express feelings that she had at the beginning that were exactly what we were experiencing at that moment!  It was so nice to be able to talk to someone who understood.  It was also nice to see someone who has been on this journey and come out on top.  It gave us hope for our future.

Meg introduced us to a group called Compassionate Friends.  It is a world wide group of parents and grandparents who have lost a child.  We went to our first meeting in October.  Everything was so fresh and painful.  So many tears were cried that night, not just by us, but others crying for us.  Our pain made their pain of loosing their child fresh again.  One of the women there, Tracy, was Meg's biggest support.  Tracy lost her infant son to an undiagnosed heart defect.  She is such a model of strength.  She and her family do so much to keep her son's memory alive...she's even writing a children's book!  A lot of the inspiration for starting this blog came from Tracy.  A few months back, I was reading her blog and she posted this excerpt from a book that a friend had shared with her.  I'm passing it along on my blog just in case there is a warrior momma out there who needs a little boost on this moment in her journey. 

You Are the Mother of All Mothers By: Angela Miller
I have to tell you this. 
You didn’t fail. Not even a little.
You are not a horrible mother.
You didn’t choose this. You didn’t want this to happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming no, no, no, no, no.
God didn’t do this to punish you, smite you, or to teach you a lesson. That is not God’s way. You could not have prevented this if you tried harder, prayed harder, or were a “better” person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga-ed more, did x, y, or z to the nth degree—fill in the blank with any other lie your mind devises. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.No, there is nothing more you could have done. You did everything you possibly could have. And you are the best mother there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath instead. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute together. That is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother.

So wash your hands of any naysayers, betrayers, or those who sprinted in the other direction when you needed them most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn’t do. Anyone whose words or looks have implied this was somehow your fault.This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it was.

Especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes it’s not what others are saying that keeps you shackled in shame. Sometimes you adopt others’ misguided opinions and assumptions. Sometimes it’s your own inner voice that shoves you into the darkest corner of despair, like an abuser, telling you over and over and over again you failed as a mother. Convincing you if only this and what if that, it never would have happened. Saying you coulda, shoulda done this or that so your child would not have died. That is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let it smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.
Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself: You are the best damn mother in the entire world. No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever mother your child as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child’s love and light shine through the way you do. No one else could mother your dead child as bravely. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.
There is no one, no one, no one who could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be your child’s mother. Yes—chosen. And no one could parent your child better in life or in death than you do. You have within you a sacred strength.You are the mother of all mothers.
So breathe, mama, keep breathing. Believe, mama, keep believing. Fight, mama, keep fighting for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart—you didn’t fail. Not even a little. 
For whatever it’s worth, I see you. I hear your guttural sobs. I feel your ache deep inside my bones. And it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift Band-Aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, if and when they do.
It takes invincible strength to moth a child you can no longer hold, see, touch, or hear. You are a superhero mama. I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again. I notice the grit and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied feet to stand up and keep walking. I see you walking this path of life you’ve been given, where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battleground. A fight for your own survival. A fight to quiet the insidious lies.
But the truth is, you haven’t failed at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
You are the mother of all mothers.
Truly, the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is—a warrior mama through and through.
For even in death, you lovingly mother your precious child still. 

Love,
Mary

Day by Day, Month by Month...

When I was pregnant with Hailey, I found the cutest monthly birthday stickers.  I immediately fell in love with the idea of sticking them on a onesie and putting Hailey through a mini photo shoot every month on the 15th.  Thankfully, I was given three months to do this with her.  Mike loved this moment with her as well.  The third month was one of our favorites because we were able to get some really funny facial expressions out of her.  H's personality was really beginning to shine at the end.

After Hailey passed, my sister came up with the best idea.  Why not continue our little sticker tradition, but attach the sticker to balloons and send them up to Heaven.  That was that.  Helen came over with 4 balloons (one even had her name on it) and Mike and I wrote her a little love note.  We went to her spot and sent them up to her.  We continued this tradition every month after that.  Some balloon releases were more difficult then others.  I remember at one, I couldn't let go of the balloons because it felt like I was letting go of her.  A lot of tears were shed and a lot of smiles were shared on our monthly balloon releases.  
This tradition of ours is something that I am so glad Mike and I did this first year.  It was healing and I love thinking that every month she received a bunch of balloons and a little love note from her mommy and daddy.

4 Months

5 Months

 

 6 Months

7 Months

8 Months

9 Months

10 Months

11 Months

The past 8 months brought waves of emotions.  Every major holiday was celebrated during this time. All of the things we had planned to do with Hailey, didn't get to happen.  Halloween came and went.  So did Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We celebrated Valentine's Day without our tiniest Valentine.  It wasn't an easy time, but we survived.  Mike and I came out stronger as individuals and as a couple.  Our lives continued and we were blessed with little moments of hope in the future that helped us continue on our journey.  As much as I missed having Hailey here physically with us during all of the big moments, I know that she was with us in spirit.  I feel her with me every day.  I see her in my dreams and hold her in my heart.  She calms me when I can't stop the tears and she laughs with me when I'm having fun.

She is my little Rae of sunshine that will always be there...even on the cloudiest of days.

Love,

Mary

My Strength

Michael,

There is so much that I want to say to you.  So much I want you to know.  If it were possible, I wish that you could spend a moment looking at yourself through my eyes.  I hope this will give you a little idea of what you mean to me and how I couldn't have made it through this experience without you by my side.

11 years.  We are coming up on 11 years of being a couple.  Who would have thought that and 18 year old and a 19 year old would have made it through everything we have.  I am so proud of us.

You have made so many sacrifices for our family.  Every decision you have made for your life, you have made with our family in mind.  

Thank you for supporting me.  I got stuck for awhile after we graduated.  I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life.  You encouraged me and helped guide me during this time.  When I needed your patience, you gave it to me.  I'm sure I was frustrating.  I know financially, it would have been a lot easier for us if I could have figured it all out sooner, but you stuck with me.  Thank you for that.

Thank you for working so hard.  You have struggled with your job decisions too.  You worked hard and it is paying off.   Even though I give you crap for "working from home", I hope you know that I understand how hard you work and the things you do to support our family.

Thank you for making me laugh.  Whether it's threatening me with a round of tickle bull, or when you laugh out loud at a tv show.  I don't laugh with anyone else like I do with you.

Thank you for being the best daddy.  Hailey looked at you with so much love.  She still does.  Our children are blessed to have you as their daddy.

Thank you for holding me up.  I definitely have had my moments these past couple of months.  You're honest with me.  You hold me for as long as I need you too.  You cry with me.  You talk with me.  You make me stronger.  You give me a reason to continue on.  

I want you to know that I will do my best to be strong for you.  I know that I tend to need you more, but I hope you know that whenever you need me I am here.  I hope I have done a good job holding you up.  I promise to continue to work at it and to remember that we are in this together.  Without you, I don't know what I would do.  Thank you for sticking with me through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs.

Michael William Thomas, you have my whole heart for my whole life.  I can't imagine going through this crazy journey without you.  I love you so much.

Love,

Me

Who am I without her?

Mother.  Mom.  Mommy.  Mama.

This is something I have been struggling with lately.  Do these words describe me now that she's gone?  There are two sides to this struggle...

On hard days when the pain is fresh and the tears are uncontrollable, I don't believe that I am a mom anymore.  With Hailey gone, I have no one to feed. No one to bathe, or read to, or put to bed at night.  

On good days when I feel her with me every second. I know that I am a mom.  I know that for 38 weeks I carried her in my belly.  I helped her grow.  On June 15, 2013 I spent the day waiting for her to arrive. When she did, my heart grew 100 times bigger.  For 3 months and 11 days, I woke up to her sweet face and fell asleep listening to her breathe.  I cared for her.  She is my daughter and I am her mommy.

Even though she is not here with us physically, she is mine and I am hers.  There will always be hard days.  Days when it seems impossible to get out of bed.  Days when I drive to work and cry because my brain gets stuck in our morning routine.  Days when I can't escape how it used to be.  But I need to always remind myself that she is there with me, watching me, and it is my job to make her proud.  To show her that her momma is okay.  It's my new way of caring for her.  

I am Hailey's mom.

Love,

Mary

4:09 pm September 26, 2013

It has been awhile since I have posted on the blog.  I think I have been avoiding it because I knew what post was coming.  This isn't an easy read, it's not a happy post, you may want to have tissues close by.  This blog is my outlet, my release, my therapy.  I may not have been posting on here, but I have been writing it down.  I'm finally ready to make it permanent.  To make it public.  I hope in a way that my story helps someone who is going through something tough.  I hope my story creates an awareness in others about SIDS and loss.  I hope that my daughter lives on and Mike and I make her proud every day as she watches us from Heaven.  All I can do...is hope.

She's just sleeping.

That's what it looked like as I laid on the hospital bed holding my baby girl.  

She's just sleeping.

That's what I told myself when I got home to a quiet house that night.

She's just sleeping.

I couldn't tell myself that anymore when I woke up the next morning and went into her room with an empty crib.

She's just sleeping...with the angels.

Our story from the beginning...

The day was like any normal day.  I was having some major allergy issues and was considering calling into work, but like always, I decided to power through it and try to make it to lunch.  I got up and got ready.  After fixing myself, I went in to Hailey's room to wake her up for the day.  She was not a happy camper...typical.  My girl was a sleeper!  She loved to sleep in and was not quite used to my early morning work days.  I fed her while listening to the Kidd Kraddick in the Morning radio show.  She was such a good eater, even when she was sleepy.  We got dressed and headed out the door for school.  Typically, Hailey would fall back asleep on the drive to daycare, but as I looked back at her in the Starbucks drive through, she was awake :)  This made mama very happy.  I stuck my hand back there and she grabbed my finger.  We rode to day care hand in hand while I rubbed her cheek.   It was perfect.

When we got to school, she was still awake.  We talked with Mrs. Debbie for a little bit and I told her I may be picking her up early since I wasn't feeling well.  I wasn't sure if I was contagious or not, so I kissed her forehead goodbye and headed off to work.  That was the only time I had ever left daycare and she was awake.

School was pretty typical.  I wasn't feeling 100%, but I couldn't get a sub to cover me half day.  I decided to tough it out.  I was working with two of my struggling boys after school when I got a call from Debbie.  It was only 4:09.  I thought to myself, "I wonder what's up...maybe she's out of milk and is screaming her head off."  When I answered it was Debbie's husband.  He said, "Mary, I don't know how to say this..." With that statement my whole world changed.  He began to explain that Hailey was down for a nap and when Debbie went in to get her up for her last feeding, she wasn't breathing.  I don't remember much from that moment, but I think I just froze.  I asked over and over what was happening and what I needed to do.  He couldn't tell me much.  Why? Because there wasn't much to tell.  The paramedics were working on her and weren't explaining much to them.  I ran out of my classroom and told my neighbor teacher I had to go and to take care of my students.  I just stayed on the phone with nothing but background noise.  I could hear babies crying.  Every time I thought it was Hailey...it wasn't.  

I've never driven panicked.  Surprisingly, my focus was heightened.  I was able to think through the fastest route to the hospital, what school zones to avoid, back roads to take, and I dialed in Mike on the phone.  He was walking out the door to go pick her up.  Walking out the door.  I will never forget the panic in his voice when I explained what was happening.  He still can't drive quickly through our neighborhood without getting anxiety because of that day.

Mike got off the phone when he got to the hospital.  At that point, I didn't know what to do.  I called my sister.  She's working.  She won't pick up.  I pulled up to the hospital and ran through the parking lot.  I called my mom.  She will be there quickly.  I get inside and every person I talk to knows something bad has happened. You can see it on their faces.  They put me in a waiting room.  Mike is back with Hailey.  Finally, after what felt like 10 minutes, they take me back to the room.  

There she was...my little baby.  Lying on the hospital bed.  Tubes, IVs, and doctors all around her. 

She looks like she's sleeping. 

Around 5:00pm the doctor came over to Mike and I and explained that with how long she has been without oxygen that the life she would have, if they were able to get her heart pumping again, would be very limited.  There was no sign of brain activity or heart activity at that point.  My girl was gone. We decided to ask him to stop.  We didn't even have to talk about it...we just knew.  He didn't give up though.  He pushed one more round of epinephrine and gave it another try.  No one wants to walk away from a baby, even if they know it's over.

At this point we were able to hold her.  My parents had arrived at some point in the whole ordeal.  I remember hearing them screaming for us in the hallway.  We were there for awhile longer.  The police came in a questioned us, our Pastor came and baptized Hailey, the medical examiner explained what was going to happen, our friends were there, family too, we gave them things to do and people to call.  For the most part, all of this was done while Mike and I held her.  It didn't sink in until the medical examiner had to take her away.  I had kept it together until that point.  How? It was like she was sleeping.  I knew that she wasn't, but at the same time, I didn't.  Leaving her was the hardest thing I had ever had to do up to that day.

Mike and I drove home together.  My sister took my car and went to get us some food. Chick Fil A.  I didn't think I could eat, but I did.  Helen stayed with us for a little while and then went to my parents house.  I remember sitting on the couch with Mike.  We were watching The Big Bang Theory.  It was odd how "normal" everything felt.  Finally, we went to sleep.

Loosing someone that is your every day is the weirdest thing.  That moment when you are home after everything you have been through and it just feels "normal" doesn't seem like it should be possible.  Why am I not crying?  I should be crying!  I guess you just go numb.  I went numb.  All I wanted to do was go to sleep and wake up with my baby in her bed.

She wasn't there.

She still isn't there.