Who am I without her?

Mother.  Mom.  Mommy.  Mama.

This is something I have been struggling with lately.  Do these words describe me now that she's gone?  There are two sides to this struggle...

On hard days when the pain is fresh and the tears are uncontrollable, I don't believe that I am a mom anymore.  With Hailey gone, I have no one to feed. No one to bathe, or read to, or put to bed at night.  

On good days when I feel her with me every second. I know that I am a mom.  I know that for 38 weeks I carried her in my belly.  I helped her grow.  On June 15, 2013 I spent the day waiting for her to arrive. When she did, my heart grew 100 times bigger.  For 3 months and 11 days, I woke up to her sweet face and fell asleep listening to her breathe.  I cared for her.  She is my daughter and I am her mommy.

Even though she is not here with us physically, she is mine and I am hers.  There will always be hard days.  Days when it seems impossible to get out of bed.  Days when I drive to work and cry because my brain gets stuck in our morning routine.  Days when I can't escape how it used to be.  But I need to always remind myself that she is there with me, watching me, and it is my job to make her proud.  To show her that her momma is okay.  It's my new way of caring for her.  

I am Hailey's mom.

Love,

Mary