A Subsequent Pregnancy

The question that I've been asked most since announcing our pregnancy is "How are you handling things?"

There are so many ways that I've answered this question.  My response is usually based on who is asking.  Of course with close friends and family, we are very open about what we have been through. For those who we are not as close to, we try to keep it happy and uplifted.  

A good friend of mine gave me her copy of The SIDS and Infant Loss Survival Guide after Hailey passed.  I have not read it cover to cover.  I tend to skip around based on what guidance I need in that moment.  How to help a struggling family member.  Dreams and Premonitions (yes, I have had those).  How to answer the dreaded question "How many children do you have?"  It has been a great help.  When I found out I was pregnant, I decided it would be good to see what the book had to say about subsequent pregnancy.  It was eye-opening.  It touches on questions like, "Is your next baby at greater risk for SIDS?" "Should a subsequent baby be monitored?" and multiple personal accounts from people like me who have lost their babies to SIDS.

After reading some of the personal reflections, I decided it would be good to write my own.  It isn't ground-breaking, the grammar is probably horrible, and it may be scattered all over the place.  This is how I've been feeling and dealing with my subsequent pregnancy.

Never in a million years did I think I would be having 2 babies within a year and a half of each other. Being pregnant for two straight years is crazy overwhelming.  Not just physically, but emotionally.  I don't think my hormones ever had a chance to balance out.  Riding the crazy train is a good way to describe my emotional state since October 2012. (That really doesn't sound healthy, but it's the best I could think of haha)

Of course there has been a lot of joy with this pregnancy.  Excitement, love, and happiness are just a few of the good feelings that have overwhelmed us these past few months.  Our prayer was answered and we could not have been happier.  All of these feelings were felt when I was pregnant with Hailey, but this time there was something different hanging over our heads.  Something that overshadowed our happiness. There was fear.  There was uncertainty.  There was sadness and a whole lot of pain.  There was guilt.  These things made me a hot mess.  

During the first trimester, hormones would bring tears to my eyes that wouldn't couldn't stop.  Only a handful of people knew about the pregnancy during that time.  We decided to hide it from our families for as long as we could.  We didn't need them triple grieving if anything were to happen in those early weeks.  Mike and I spent a lot of time talking to each other about how we felt.  It was really difficult for him because he wasn't experiencing it the way I was.  Thankfully, we were able to talk through it all and move forward together.  He always has been my biggest supporter.

One of the most difficult things to deal with during this pregnancy is the excitement of the future.  When you experience the loss of a child, it is difficult to see past that experience and make plans for the future.  Will she taste rice cereal?  Will I get to make baby food for her to try?  Will she experience her first Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Will she crawl? Walk? Talk? Will she take swim lessons?  Will she have her first day of kindergarten? Will she get to know her puppy dogs?  Will she feel the sand beneath her toes?  Those two words...will she...they plague every exciting thought about our future.

During this last trimester, I constantly worry about what kind of parents this experience has turned us into.  I feel like I don't know how to mother this child.  I'm afraid that the fear will overtake me and I won't be able to enjoy her like I did Hailey.  Will I be able to fall asleep as easily or will I stay awake constantly making sure she is still breathing?  Will I pass her around to others as care-free as I did with Hailey?  Will I freak out with every clogged tear duct and stuffy nose?  Will I be able to look at her without thinking about Hailey?  Will I be able to not compare them?  Mike and I have spent hours discussing these questions.  For the most part, we have decided that we will approach everything the same way we did with Hailey.  Nothing that we did was wrong.  Nothing that we did caused her death.  Why should we do anything different this time around?  Every baby is different.  Although we know there will be similarities, we are ready to make adjustments based on her needs.  Hopefully, this approach will continue once she makes her appearance.

As I sit her writing this, Sister (that's what I call her) is having a dance party in my belly.  It's making me smile and cringe with every punch and kick.  Who knows what the future will bring?  Everything could be amazing.  Everything could be peaceful.  Everything could be scary.  This crazy train could turn into a crazy roller-coaster.  All I know, is that I love her now and I always will.  Our bond as mother and daughter is unique.  Different from my bond with Hailey, but made special because of Hailey.  

The love that I have for my daughters is a love like no other.  I know that their love will keep me going through every struggle I am faced with.  They give me a reason to keep going.

Love,
Mary