September 5, 2014

I woke up that morning after only getting 4 hours of sleep.  The night before I couldn't get tired.  At 11:45, I decided it was a good time to do my hair.  I mean, since this whole process was planned, I figured I should have good hair.  Why not?  Back to the morning.  For some reason we had to be at the hospital at 5:00 am.  A.M. people.  A.M.  Who in their right mind is up that early?  Somehow I was able to wake up.  I had fallen asleep just in time for my alarm to go off.  Sister must have known something big was going to happen because she started dancing around 3:30 am.  I finished putting myself together (make-up and such) and packed the rest of my bag.  We said good-bye to the puppies and were out the door by 4:45.  

The drive to the hospital was surreal.  Just a little over a year ago, we made that same drive.  The anticipation and excitement was bubbling inside Mike and I.  But, there was also something else lurking in the back of our mind.  Fear.  Would this time be different?  Would she look like her big sister?  If she does, how will that make us feel?  It was almost too much.  Luckily, the excitement of a new gift from God over-powered the fear of our loss.  Before going in, we snapped one last picture.

We arrived on the labor and delivery floor right at 5 (After a quick detour to the postpartum floor.  My bad.)  They showed us to our room and handed me my lovely hospital gown.  Up until this point I was only dilated 3 cm.  It had been this way for the past 2-3 weeks.  Once I got settled, the nurse checked me and surprise! I had dilated to a 5!  Woohoo!  I guess all that dancing sister had done that morning was for a reason.  

They hooked me up to all the monitors, set up my IV, and got the meds running around 6:15 am.  During this time, there was a lot of paper work filled out.  That's about it.  Boring medical insurance stuff.  

Around 7, shift change happened.  This is when it started getting interesting.  My awesome nurse (loved her) checked me around 8:00 and accidentally broke my water.  Right as my water broke, Dr. Garner came in.  Since he wasn't needed anymore (he came just to break my water and say hi), he went downstairs to the office thinking we had awhile before the show really started.  Mike's mom, sister, step-dad, and my sister showed up and were keeping us company.  Lots of pictures were taken.  Lots of laughs were had.

Somewhere between 8 and 9, I got my epidural.  The anesthesiologist that gave it to me was the same one we had for Hailey's delivery.  She is great!  Around 9:00 my nurse checked me again and to both of our surprise I was an 8, almost 9!  She called Dr. Garner and kicked everyone out of the room. 

The shock of the quick progression threw Mike and I for a loop.  We weren't ready.  Mike still needed to do some last minute work stuff.  It was a crazy moment.

Dr. Garner was in the room before we knew it and everyone took their positions.  Brenda on my left.  Mike on my right. Dr. Garner.  Well, we all know where he was.  And the baby nurse by the warmer.  After 3 contractions and 6 pushes, Grace Caroline was here. That cry was the best cry.  Mike cut her cord and stayed with sister the whole time.  

Finally the brought her too me.  She was pink and squishy and perfect.  She scored a 9 on the APGAR scale (ten is perfect).  Of all the pictures that were taken that day, this one is my favorite.  

We are now a family of four.

One big sister.

One little sister.
Two proud parents.

My cup is so full.

XOXO,

Mary

One Year Later

My sweet Little Miss,

It's me, mommy....

Today is your one year "angel-versary".  A year ago today I had no idea that I would be kissing you good-bye one last time.  How is that even possible?  I've been looking at a lot of your pictures lately and I came across the last picture I took of you.  How is it possible that I have a LAST picture of you??  It just doesn't seem real.  It doesn't seem right.  But, baby girl, I want you to know that seeing your picture (even the last one) still makes my heart skip a beat and brings a smile to my face.

This year has been filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  God has blessed your daddy and I in so many ways this year.  He sent us your little sister to fill our empty arms. He strengthened our love for each other by making us support one another in ways we never have had to before.  And he has taught us that no matter how low life can get sometimes, there is always something to celebrate and be thankful for.

One of the things that your daddy and I have been so worried about this year is if you would be proud of us.  On our hardest days, we do our best to remember that you are watching us.  No 15 month old would be entertained by a couple of old people sitting around crying all day.  So we do our best to make the most of each day just for you.  We hope we have made you proud baby girl.

Even though you were only on this earth for 3 months and 11 days, you made an impact.  You have touched the hearts of so many people.  Some of these people know you and some you have never met.  Some your daddy and I have never met.  We still get letters in the mail from friends we haven't talked to in years about how much you and your life have changed theirs.  Your daddy and I are so proud of you, monkey.  

I miss you so much, Hailey.  There isn't a second that goes by that my thoughts don't turn to you.  Loosing you has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through.  There are moments when the tears don't stop and getting out of bed seems impossible.  As hard as it is sometimes and as much as my heart breaks, I wouldn't change it.  Having you with us for those 3 months and 11 days meant everything.  You showed me what it means to be a mommy.  You wrapped your daddy around your little finger and made him the best "girly dad" out there.  I wouldn't give those days back for anything.  Not for anything. 

Hold on to us today, sweet girl.  Let your daddy know how great he is and how much you love him.  Play with your sister in her dreams.  Hearing her laugh in her sleep gives your daddy and I so much comfort in knowing that she will always know her big sister.  Hug your puppies and maybe tell Tucker to chill out a little bit when it comes to Gracie. **Help your momma out**  

I hope you always remember the touch of my hand on your face as I rocked you to sleep.  Remember the silliness of the sounds that daddy would make to try to get you to smile.  Never forget the kisses we smothered you in before laying you down to sleep.  Remember the love we had for you when you were here and the love that we have for you now.

I love you so much Hailey Rae.  Forever and always.
Mommy

Ten Tuesday Things

So here we go...10 Tuesday things about life in general right now :)

1.  Netflix has kind of ruled our television lately.  As excited as I am for fall TV to be back, I will miss being able to watch one episode after another until the wee hours of the morning.  That's the great thing about Netflix...you can watch an entire series in a weekend.  Not saying that we've done that before....

Anywhoo...Right now I'm enjoying a tall glass of water and watching 3 Men and a Baby while paying bills.  Ugh...anything to keep my mind off of our dwindling bank account.  It's greatness having all these movies right at my fingertips.  Oldies, but goodies I tell ya.  

2.  I made it through the first week of school not being at school.  Monday was the weirdest thing.  I woke up at 8:30 and had the strangest feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere.  It clicked immediately that I should be an hour into my work day, but there I was still in bed.  Lauren and I decided to distract ourselves by relaxing by the pool.  It was fun, but still so weird to not be working. The week went by quickly, so that was a plus.  I also got plenty of updates from my work BFFs :)

3.  One of the most difficult things about not working is having all the time in the world for my mind to wander.  With baby day getting closer and closer, it's hard not to think about what it was like our first go around.  The dreams are becoming very vivid and Hailey has made a few visits.  With the pack n play set up, there have been many flashback moments that don't make it easy to wake up.  It'll be nice to have a distraction, but that distraction can bring a lot of other emotional things.  I guess we will just have to wait and see how it all plays out.

4.  I swear it's getting hotter and hotter.  While I appreciate that the heat held off all summer, it is now September and I'm ready to wear leggings and long sleeves.  

5.  My baking addiction has slowed down.  Although, I do have some pretty ripe bananas on the kitchen counter that are just dying to become banana bread...yup.  That's going to happen today.

6.  As my baking has slowed down, my crafting has picked up.  I made Hailey some goodies for her flower bouquet over the next month of so.  Had to do some back to school stuff, and I got a jump start on her Halloween arrangement.  The flower shop at the funeral home informed us that if we bring in the goods, they will put it all together in an arrangement for us.  I'm thinking of trying this out for Halloween this year.  Love the ladies up there.

Frapps and a visit with my little miss.

7.  Mike's brothers have been in Kansas City for 3 weeks now.  It's so crazy that they are living in another city.  Another state.  Just somewhere other than 15 minutes away from us, to play hockey.  The pictures they have sent us make them look like their professionals.  They are, but it's just so crazy how much they've grown.  Mike and I are so proud of them.

8.  Desi had her first Bridal Shower!  Rick's family put on a super fun shower with the best food.  I literally could eat tex-mex everyday.  I'm so happy for these two.  They are two of my favorite people and I can't wait for more wedding festivities!

Desirae and 3 of her bridesmaids

9.  Insurance sucks.  It is just WAY complicated.  That is all.

10.  Labor Day has come and gone.  This year was very different from last.  Last year was Hailey's first time in the pool!  It was the best.  She was too tiny for swim diapers so we kept her in her normal diaper.  Talk about a loaded diaper!  We were also swimming at Bill's house.  That was our last swim in that pool.  I miss that pool.  Like I've said before, the hardest thing lately has been living in a time that every day has a memory with Hailey.  As great as it is to look back and remember, my heart breaks more and more everyday because I know that in just a few short weeks those memories won't continue.  But, we did what we have gotten so good at doing, putting our happy faces on and living in the now.  We were surrounded by friends and family.  All in all it was a great day!

Labor Day 2013                     Labor Day 2014

tuesday things

To force myself to take care of this little blog (and myself), I thought it would be fun to make some themed days.  First up....Tuesday Things-just a few ramblings about life in general right now.  Things I'm enjoying, memories I'm loving, wishes for the future, and so on. 


1.  I have been working on a grief project for the past few weeks.  If you follow me on Instagram (@mcardell), you have probably seen some of my progress.  Well...drum roll, please...IT"S DONE! Well. Almost.  I never knew all of the steps that went into making a legit quilt.  In my mind, I was just thinking of making a blanket out of Hailey's clothes and blankets. Think t-shirt blanket.  Boy, was I wrong.  I am making a true-blue quilt.  It starts like a t-shirt blanket would, but when you have the top and the bottom complete, you send it off to be quilted.  Tomorrow I'm taking the top and bottom to be quilted.  I can't wait to have it back so I can snuggle with my girl again.  It will seriously be the best thing ever.

The back.  

The front.

 2.  I have been making a TON of this lemon-blueberry bread lately.  I mean.  Seriously.  So. Good.

3.  I was at the grocery store the other day and stumbled upon the new cappuccino flavored potato chips.  I just can't.  I understand a person's love for coffee.  I enjoy a Starbuck's on the regular, but seriously people, chips are not meant to taste like coffee.  I just can't.

4.  Sister is still cookin.  We are officially at 37 weeks today!  Woo-hoo!!  UPDATE: I'm headed to the doctor today to check my fluid.  There may or may not have been an "unfortunate incident" at the mall yesterday that makes my doctor want to check me out.  Basically...did I, or didn't I pee my pants?  Yes.  I am THAT pregnant girl that can't tell the difference.  Thank goodness for a doctor with a sense of humor.

5.  Mike and I went to visit Hailey yesterday.  She still had her 4th of July flowers up (#parentsoftheyear), so we decided to take her some new ones.  We got her some really pretty silk red ones.  I'm making a few "back-to-school" things to stick in the flowers.  I went to Hobby Lobby and picked up an apple and a school bus.  I think it will be really cute once it's all put together.  It's getting harder to go visit my girl.  It could be the crazy hormones.  It could be that in a little over a month her one year Angel Birthday will be here.  It could be that it is so hot outside that the thought of sitting out there makes me cry.  Who knows...I don't go up there by myself anymore.  Someone has to be with me.  It wasn't always that way.  I could go up there and sit forever and just be with her.  Now the thought of her being there is just crazy to me.  I can't wrap my brain around the fact that my baby's body, that I held in my arms for 3 months and 11 days, is there and not with me.  Why this is a problem for me now, I don't understand.  Some days I can't wait for September 26th to just come and go.

6.  A girl I went to high school with made us this sweet onsie for Grace.  I am so excited to put her in it.  Of course she will be wearing a matching bow.

7.  Is it too early to start decorating for fall?  I'm ready for pumpkins and yummy smelling candles to fill my home.

8.  Fall TV is making this girl happy...football too.  I mean, who wouldn't be excited about Scandal and Kliff gracing my TV each week?

9.  Teachers went back to school this week.  I may have crashed Boyd's staff development day.  I just can't stay away. 

I even made off with a 2014-2015 staff shirt.  Lucky girl.

It's sooooo weird to not be organizing a classroom, obsessing over plans, buying school supplies, and catching up with some of my favorite people.  I know that I am not out of the classroom for good.  I know that when May rolls around I will be applying for positions like a mad-woman.  I know that my Boyd Family will always be my family.  It's just so dang hard to sit around the house when my heart is somewhere else and my mind is filled with memories from this time last year.  When my girl was here.  When we were starting school together.  

First day of School 2013-2014

A distraction is greatly needed for this pregnant lady.  So until Gracie makes her debut...you can find me at Boyd.  I am proud to be that crazy ex-teacher :)



Love,
Mary

A Subsequent Pregnancy

The question that I've been asked most since announcing our pregnancy is "How are you handling things?"

There are so many ways that I've answered this question.  My response is usually based on who is asking.  Of course with close friends and family, we are very open about what we have been through. For those who we are not as close to, we try to keep it happy and uplifted.  

A good friend of mine gave me her copy of The SIDS and Infant Loss Survival Guide after Hailey passed.  I have not read it cover to cover.  I tend to skip around based on what guidance I need in that moment.  How to help a struggling family member.  Dreams and Premonitions (yes, I have had those).  How to answer the dreaded question "How many children do you have?"  It has been a great help.  When I found out I was pregnant, I decided it would be good to see what the book had to say about subsequent pregnancy.  It was eye-opening.  It touches on questions like, "Is your next baby at greater risk for SIDS?" "Should a subsequent baby be monitored?" and multiple personal accounts from people like me who have lost their babies to SIDS.

After reading some of the personal reflections, I decided it would be good to write my own.  It isn't ground-breaking, the grammar is probably horrible, and it may be scattered all over the place.  This is how I've been feeling and dealing with my subsequent pregnancy.

Never in a million years did I think I would be having 2 babies within a year and a half of each other. Being pregnant for two straight years is crazy overwhelming.  Not just physically, but emotionally.  I don't think my hormones ever had a chance to balance out.  Riding the crazy train is a good way to describe my emotional state since October 2012. (That really doesn't sound healthy, but it's the best I could think of haha)

Of course there has been a lot of joy with this pregnancy.  Excitement, love, and happiness are just a few of the good feelings that have overwhelmed us these past few months.  Our prayer was answered and we could not have been happier.  All of these feelings were felt when I was pregnant with Hailey, but this time there was something different hanging over our heads.  Something that overshadowed our happiness. There was fear.  There was uncertainty.  There was sadness and a whole lot of pain.  There was guilt.  These things made me a hot mess.  

During the first trimester, hormones would bring tears to my eyes that wouldn't couldn't stop.  Only a handful of people knew about the pregnancy during that time.  We decided to hide it from our families for as long as we could.  We didn't need them triple grieving if anything were to happen in those early weeks.  Mike and I spent a lot of time talking to each other about how we felt.  It was really difficult for him because he wasn't experiencing it the way I was.  Thankfully, we were able to talk through it all and move forward together.  He always has been my biggest supporter.

One of the most difficult things to deal with during this pregnancy is the excitement of the future.  When you experience the loss of a child, it is difficult to see past that experience and make plans for the future.  Will she taste rice cereal?  Will I get to make baby food for her to try?  Will she experience her first Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Will she crawl? Walk? Talk? Will she take swim lessons?  Will she have her first day of kindergarten? Will she get to know her puppy dogs?  Will she feel the sand beneath her toes?  Those two words...will she...they plague every exciting thought about our future.

During this last trimester, I constantly worry about what kind of parents this experience has turned us into.  I feel like I don't know how to mother this child.  I'm afraid that the fear will overtake me and I won't be able to enjoy her like I did Hailey.  Will I be able to fall asleep as easily or will I stay awake constantly making sure she is still breathing?  Will I pass her around to others as care-free as I did with Hailey?  Will I freak out with every clogged tear duct and stuffy nose?  Will I be able to look at her without thinking about Hailey?  Will I be able to not compare them?  Mike and I have spent hours discussing these questions.  For the most part, we have decided that we will approach everything the same way we did with Hailey.  Nothing that we did was wrong.  Nothing that we did caused her death.  Why should we do anything different this time around?  Every baby is different.  Although we know there will be similarities, we are ready to make adjustments based on her needs.  Hopefully, this approach will continue once she makes her appearance.

As I sit her writing this, Sister (that's what I call her) is having a dance party in my belly.  It's making me smile and cringe with every punch and kick.  Who knows what the future will bring?  Everything could be amazing.  Everything could be peaceful.  Everything could be scary.  This crazy train could turn into a crazy roller-coaster.  All I know, is that I love her now and I always will.  Our bond as mother and daughter is unique.  Different from my bond with Hailey, but made special because of Hailey.  

The love that I have for my daughters is a love like no other.  I know that their love will keep me going through every struggle I am faced with.  They give me a reason to keep going.

Love,
Mary

Life since our baby became an angel

Well, it's been 10 months since Hailey made her way to her forever home in Heaven.  10 months.  308 days.  It seems like such a short amount of time, but it feels like we haven't held her in years.  

Since I have been so behind in keeping this blog updated with what has been going on with us, I figured I would cram it all in to one post. 

Here we go...

We have celebrated every major holiday.  

I would have to say that Thanksgiving and Christmas were the most difficult to make it through.  Halloween was so soon after she passed, that I think we were still pretty numb to it all.  Thanksgiving hit me so hard.  My dad is such an amazing cook and we had talked for so long about how we would let her try sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.  It was the first time that I really felt what we were missing out on.  

Christmas was rough, but not what I expected. For me, Christmas Eve was my hardest day. I cried all through the 9:00pm service.  At one point in his sermon, I swear Pastor Paul was talking directly to Mike and I. There had been very few times that I had thought about how Hailey's death had impacted him.  He was at the hospital minutes after she passed to baptize her.  I don't know why I never thought about it.  I mean, he's a father of two amazing boys, I should have known he would carry that weight on his shoulders.  After that service, I started to pay more attention to how my friends and family were impacted by my Little Miss. I would say that Christmas was the most difficult for Mike.  He was so looking forward to playing Santa.  We had her stocking, ornaments, and even a Christmas dress complete with a matching bow.  It wasn't easy seeing all of those things go unused by our baby girl.  We did our best and made it through the day with smiles on our faces.  
By the time Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter rolled around, we were self-proclaimed experts at surviving holidays.  We made sure those days were spent celebrating instead of focusing on what we were missing out on.

We have celebrated major events in our friends and family member's lives.
One of the hardest things about the death of a loved one, is that life continues to go on without them.  I still have moments when I think, "I wonder how different this moment would be if Hailey were here with us."  It's not easy, but I snap myself out of it and live in the moment.  One thing I have learned is that anything can happen and I need to make sure I soak up as much of this life that God has blessed me with.

• Brooklyn Doering came into this world.  We have been through some of the best times with Marc and Katie.  Brooklyn was the first baby I held after Hailey passed.  We made our way down to Austin a couple days after Brooklyn was born.  It wasn't the easiest of trips.  We had just been there in August with Hailey...it was all very fresh still.  Mike was amazing with her.  Seeing him interact with her, made me realize how badly I wanted to fill my empty arms.  After that trip, we decided to start trying for a baby.

We don't have any Brooklyn pics from that trip, but there's this gem of her crazy brothers :)

• 2 of our best friends got engaged!  Desirae and Rick will be getting married January 2015 and Brian and Lauren will be getting married September 2014.  We are so very happy for our friends and we can't wait to celebrate their special days with them.

These two crack me up!

• Brolan Story made his grand entrance!  What a crazy, wonderful day this was!  Mike and I were on our way to Austin when we got the group text from Lissa that her water had broken...a few weeks early!  Before we knew it, he was here, legs by his head and showing off his goods :) hahaha.

• My brother graduated from the University of Oklahoma and got his first "big boy job" with IBM.  I could not be more proud of the man he has become.  I still worry about him constantly, but I know he is going to do great things with his life.  

• Lauren and Jeff announced that they are having a baby boy in September 2014!  I can't wait to welcome little Jeffrey to the crazy group of friends we have :

We made an exciting announcement.

On December 29th, God answered our prayer of adding another little baby to our family.

THE pee stick.

We could not be more excited for Hailey to be a big sister.  Since finding out we were pregnant again, we have experienced every emotion in the book (I will go more into details on another post).  There have been the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  Mike has been such an amazing support and I am so blessed to have him by my side. 

In no way have these last 10 months been easy.  There have been times where the tears don't stop and the yelling at God is endless.  However, through all of those hard days, we have our little Rae of sunshine that brings a smile to our faces.  We have celebrated some big events in our lives and our loved ones lives.  There have been multiple birthdays, weddings and anniversaries, date nights, parties, laugh until we cry moments, snuggles with our puppies, dancing, movie watching, work accomplishments, hugs, kisses, and more hugs.  Every single day we have been blessed with friends and family that support us through thick and thin.  Thanks to them, it's getting easier to say that the good is beginning to outshine the bad.  

We have 2 months until Hailey's "Angel Birthday".  There is a lot that will happen in those two months and I'm not sure how we will handle the one year anniversary, but I know that we will be surrounded by love and that's all I could ever need.

Love,
Mary

A Very Special First Birthday

I don't know about you, but when I found out I was pregnant Pinterest became my favorite website.  I would pin everything from funny onesies to first birthday ideas.  She hadn't even arrived yet and her first birthday was planned.  

Unfortunately, things can change in the blink of an eye.  Planning a fun-filled birthday with family and friends seemed pointless after Hailey passed.  All I could think about was if I would be getting out of bed that day.  I decided that I wanted to celebrate her day anyways.  Once Mike and I decided celebrating was something we wanted needed to do, the wheels began to spin.

Every month we send balloons to Hailey with a love note attached.  Mike and I were the only ones who did this.  Sometimes some of our family would join us, but for the most part, it was something we did.  Just the three of us.  I thought it would be fun to let our friends and family join us for her first birthday balloon release.  A date was set, invitations were ordered, and plans were made.  

It wasn't the first birthday I had expected a year ago, but it was everything I hoped it would be.  We were blessed to have so many join us to celebrate.  Those who couldn't make it, wrote their own love notes to Hailey for us to send to her.  We were even blessed to have our favorite photographer come and capture the day for us!  Narci did a fantastic job and we are so thankful for her love and support.   

Thank you to all who came out on June 14th.  We couldn't have asked for a better first birthday for our Little Miss.

Happy First Birthday my littlest love.  Mommy and Daddy love and miss you more than anything.

  

Love,

Mary