A Subsequent Pregnancy

The question that I've been asked most since announcing our pregnancy is "How are you handling things?"

There are so many ways that I've answered this question.  My response is usually based on who is asking.  Of course with close friends and family, we are very open about what we have been through. For those who we are not as close to, we try to keep it happy and uplifted.  

A good friend of mine gave me her copy of The SIDS and Infant Loss Survival Guide after Hailey passed.  I have not read it cover to cover.  I tend to skip around based on what guidance I need in that moment.  How to help a struggling family member.  Dreams and Premonitions (yes, I have had those).  How to answer the dreaded question "How many children do you have?"  It has been a great help.  When I found out I was pregnant, I decided it would be good to see what the book had to say about subsequent pregnancy.  It was eye-opening.  It touches on questions like, "Is your next baby at greater risk for SIDS?" "Should a subsequent baby be monitored?" and multiple personal accounts from people like me who have lost their babies to SIDS.

After reading some of the personal reflections, I decided it would be good to write my own.  It isn't ground-breaking, the grammar is probably horrible, and it may be scattered all over the place.  This is how I've been feeling and dealing with my subsequent pregnancy.

Never in a million years did I think I would be having 2 babies within a year and a half of each other. Being pregnant for two straight years is crazy overwhelming.  Not just physically, but emotionally.  I don't think my hormones ever had a chance to balance out.  Riding the crazy train is a good way to describe my emotional state since October 2012. (That really doesn't sound healthy, but it's the best I could think of haha)

Of course there has been a lot of joy with this pregnancy.  Excitement, love, and happiness are just a few of the good feelings that have overwhelmed us these past few months.  Our prayer was answered and we could not have been happier.  All of these feelings were felt when I was pregnant with Hailey, but this time there was something different hanging over our heads.  Something that overshadowed our happiness. There was fear.  There was uncertainty.  There was sadness and a whole lot of pain.  There was guilt.  These things made me a hot mess.  

During the first trimester, hormones would bring tears to my eyes that wouldn't couldn't stop.  Only a handful of people knew about the pregnancy during that time.  We decided to hide it from our families for as long as we could.  We didn't need them triple grieving if anything were to happen in those early weeks.  Mike and I spent a lot of time talking to each other about how we felt.  It was really difficult for him because he wasn't experiencing it the way I was.  Thankfully, we were able to talk through it all and move forward together.  He always has been my biggest supporter.

One of the most difficult things to deal with during this pregnancy is the excitement of the future.  When you experience the loss of a child, it is difficult to see past that experience and make plans for the future.  Will she taste rice cereal?  Will I get to make baby food for her to try?  Will she experience her first Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Will she crawl? Walk? Talk? Will she take swim lessons?  Will she have her first day of kindergarten? Will she get to know her puppy dogs?  Will she feel the sand beneath her toes?  Those two words...will she...they plague every exciting thought about our future.

During this last trimester, I constantly worry about what kind of parents this experience has turned us into.  I feel like I don't know how to mother this child.  I'm afraid that the fear will overtake me and I won't be able to enjoy her like I did Hailey.  Will I be able to fall asleep as easily or will I stay awake constantly making sure she is still breathing?  Will I pass her around to others as care-free as I did with Hailey?  Will I freak out with every clogged tear duct and stuffy nose?  Will I be able to look at her without thinking about Hailey?  Will I be able to not compare them?  Mike and I have spent hours discussing these questions.  For the most part, we have decided that we will approach everything the same way we did with Hailey.  Nothing that we did was wrong.  Nothing that we did caused her death.  Why should we do anything different this time around?  Every baby is different.  Although we know there will be similarities, we are ready to make adjustments based on her needs.  Hopefully, this approach will continue once she makes her appearance.

As I sit her writing this, Sister (that's what I call her) is having a dance party in my belly.  It's making me smile and cringe with every punch and kick.  Who knows what the future will bring?  Everything could be amazing.  Everything could be peaceful.  Everything could be scary.  This crazy train could turn into a crazy roller-coaster.  All I know, is that I love her now and I always will.  Our bond as mother and daughter is unique.  Different from my bond with Hailey, but made special because of Hailey.  

The love that I have for my daughters is a love like no other.  I know that their love will keep me going through every struggle I am faced with.  They give me a reason to keep going.

Love,
Mary

Life since our baby became an angel

Well, it's been 10 months since Hailey made her way to her forever home in Heaven.  10 months.  308 days.  It seems like such a short amount of time, but it feels like we haven't held her in years.  

Since I have been so behind in keeping this blog updated with what has been going on with us, I figured I would cram it all in to one post. 

Here we go...

We have celebrated every major holiday.  

I would have to say that Thanksgiving and Christmas were the most difficult to make it through.  Halloween was so soon after she passed, that I think we were still pretty numb to it all.  Thanksgiving hit me so hard.  My dad is such an amazing cook and we had talked for so long about how we would let her try sweet potatoes and cranberry sauce.  It was the first time that I really felt what we were missing out on.  

Christmas was rough, but not what I expected. For me, Christmas Eve was my hardest day. I cried all through the 9:00pm service.  At one point in his sermon, I swear Pastor Paul was talking directly to Mike and I. There had been very few times that I had thought about how Hailey's death had impacted him.  He was at the hospital minutes after she passed to baptize her.  I don't know why I never thought about it.  I mean, he's a father of two amazing boys, I should have known he would carry that weight on his shoulders.  After that service, I started to pay more attention to how my friends and family were impacted by my Little Miss. I would say that Christmas was the most difficult for Mike.  He was so looking forward to playing Santa.  We had her stocking, ornaments, and even a Christmas dress complete with a matching bow.  It wasn't easy seeing all of those things go unused by our baby girl.  We did our best and made it through the day with smiles on our faces.  
By the time Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter rolled around, we were self-proclaimed experts at surviving holidays.  We made sure those days were spent celebrating instead of focusing on what we were missing out on.

We have celebrated major events in our friends and family member's lives.
One of the hardest things about the death of a loved one, is that life continues to go on without them.  I still have moments when I think, "I wonder how different this moment would be if Hailey were here with us."  It's not easy, but I snap myself out of it and live in the moment.  One thing I have learned is that anything can happen and I need to make sure I soak up as much of this life that God has blessed me with.

• Brooklyn Doering came into this world.  We have been through some of the best times with Marc and Katie.  Brooklyn was the first baby I held after Hailey passed.  We made our way down to Austin a couple days after Brooklyn was born.  It wasn't the easiest of trips.  We had just been there in August with Hailey...it was all very fresh still.  Mike was amazing with her.  Seeing him interact with her, made me realize how badly I wanted to fill my empty arms.  After that trip, we decided to start trying for a baby.

We don't have any Brooklyn pics from that trip, but there's this gem of her crazy brothers :)

• 2 of our best friends got engaged!  Desirae and Rick will be getting married January 2015 and Brian and Lauren will be getting married September 2014.  We are so very happy for our friends and we can't wait to celebrate their special days with them.

These two crack me up!

• Brolan Story made his grand entrance!  What a crazy, wonderful day this was!  Mike and I were on our way to Austin when we got the group text from Lissa that her water had broken...a few weeks early!  Before we knew it, he was here, legs by his head and showing off his goods :) hahaha.

• My brother graduated from the University of Oklahoma and got his first "big boy job" with IBM.  I could not be more proud of the man he has become.  I still worry about him constantly, but I know he is going to do great things with his life.  

• Lauren and Jeff announced that they are having a baby boy in September 2014!  I can't wait to welcome little Jeffrey to the crazy group of friends we have :

We made an exciting announcement.

On December 29th, God answered our prayer of adding another little baby to our family.

THE pee stick.

We could not be more excited for Hailey to be a big sister.  Since finding out we were pregnant again, we have experienced every emotion in the book (I will go more into details on another post).  There have been the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  Mike has been such an amazing support and I am so blessed to have him by my side. 

In no way have these last 10 months been easy.  There have been times where the tears don't stop and the yelling at God is endless.  However, through all of those hard days, we have our little Rae of sunshine that brings a smile to our faces.  We have celebrated some big events in our lives and our loved ones lives.  There have been multiple birthdays, weddings and anniversaries, date nights, parties, laugh until we cry moments, snuggles with our puppies, dancing, movie watching, work accomplishments, hugs, kisses, and more hugs.  Every single day we have been blessed with friends and family that support us through thick and thin.  Thanks to them, it's getting easier to say that the good is beginning to outshine the bad.  

We have 2 months until Hailey's "Angel Birthday".  There is a lot that will happen in those two months and I'm not sure how we will handle the one year anniversary, but I know that we will be surrounded by love and that's all I could ever need.

Love,
Mary

A Very Special First Birthday

I don't know about you, but when I found out I was pregnant Pinterest became my favorite website.  I would pin everything from funny onesies to first birthday ideas.  She hadn't even arrived yet and her first birthday was planned.  

Unfortunately, things can change in the blink of an eye.  Planning a fun-filled birthday with family and friends seemed pointless after Hailey passed.  All I could think about was if I would be getting out of bed that day.  I decided that I wanted to celebrate her day anyways.  Once Mike and I decided celebrating was something we wanted needed to do, the wheels began to spin.

Every month we send balloons to Hailey with a love note attached.  Mike and I were the only ones who did this.  Sometimes some of our family would join us, but for the most part, it was something we did.  Just the three of us.  I thought it would be fun to let our friends and family join us for her first birthday balloon release.  A date was set, invitations were ordered, and plans were made.  

It wasn't the first birthday I had expected a year ago, but it was everything I hoped it would be.  We were blessed to have so many join us to celebrate.  Those who couldn't make it, wrote their own love notes to Hailey for us to send to her.  We were even blessed to have our favorite photographer come and capture the day for us!  Narci did a fantastic job and we are so thankful for her love and support.   

Thank you to all who came out on June 14th.  We couldn't have asked for a better first birthday for our Little Miss.

Happy First Birthday my littlest love.  Mommy and Daddy love and miss you more than anything.

  

Love,

Mary

Warrior Moms

Mike and I have been blessed with an amazing support group.  Our families and friends have cried and laughed with us.  They don't run away when we say her name.  They join us in telling stories about Hailey and research everything that they can about SIDS and loss.  We are so blessed to have so many who love us and our girl.

After Hailey passed, so many people reached out to us.  It is overwhelming to think back on her visitation and funeral.  Hundreds, literally hundreds, came to show their love and support for our little family.  What has been a blessing that we weren't expecting, was meeting people who have experienced what we were experiencing.  A couple of days after H passed, someone I knew from high school messaged me on Facebook and explained that her older sister had lost their infant son as well. She offered to connect us when I was ready to talk.  This small act of kindness led to one of the greatest supports I have had.  We met Meg for coffee and found that our stories were very similar.  She was able to express feelings that she had at the beginning that were exactly what we were experiencing at that moment!  It was so nice to be able to talk to someone who understood.  It was also nice to see someone who has been on this journey and come out on top.  It gave us hope for our future.

Meg introduced us to a group called Compassionate Friends.  It is a world wide group of parents and grandparents who have lost a child.  We went to our first meeting in October.  Everything was so fresh and painful.  So many tears were cried that night, not just by us, but others crying for us.  Our pain made their pain of loosing their child fresh again.  One of the women there, Tracy, was Meg's biggest support.  Tracy lost her infant son to an undiagnosed heart defect.  She is such a model of strength.  She and her family do so much to keep her son's memory alive...she's even writing a children's book!  A lot of the inspiration for starting this blog came from Tracy.  A few months back, I was reading her blog and she posted this excerpt from a book that a friend had shared with her.  I'm passing it along on my blog just in case there is a warrior momma out there who needs a little boost on this moment in her journey. 

You Are the Mother of All Mothers By: Angela Miller
I have to tell you this. 
You didn’t fail. Not even a little.
You are not a horrible mother.
You didn’t choose this. You didn’t want this to happen. You didn’t do anything wrong. It just happened. To you. Despite your begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hope it would not. Even though everything within you was screaming no, no, no, no, no.
God didn’t do this to punish you, smite you, or to teach you a lesson. That is not God’s way. You could not have prevented this if you tried harder, prayed harder, or were a “better” person. Nor if you ate better, loved harder, yoga-ed more, did x, y, or z to the nth degree—fill in the blank with any other lie your mind devises. You could not have prevented this even if you could have predicted the future like no one can.No, there is nothing more you could have done. You did everything you possibly could have. And you are the best mother there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath instead. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute together. That is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother.

So wash your hands of any naysayers, betrayers, or those who sprinted in the other direction when you needed them most. Wash your hands of the people who may have falsely judged you, ostracized you, or stigmatized you because of what happened to you. Wash your hands of anyone who has made you feel less than by questioning everything you did or didn’t do. Anyone whose words or looks have implied this was somehow your fault.This was not your fault. This will never be your fault, no matter how many different ways someone tries to tell you it was.

Especially if that someone happens to be you. Sometimes it’s not what others are saying that keeps you shackled in shame. Sometimes you adopt others’ misguided opinions and assumptions. Sometimes it’s your own inner voice that shoves you into the darkest corner of despair, like an abuser, telling you over and over and over again you failed as a mother. Convincing you if only this and what if that, it never would have happened. Saying you coulda, shoulda done this or that so your child would not have died. That is a lie of the sickest kind. Do not believe it, not even for a second. Do not let it sink into your bones. Do not let it smother that beautiful, beautiful light of yours.
Instead, breathe in this truth with every part of yourself: You are the best damn mother in the entire world. No one else could do what you do. No one else could ever mother your child as well as you can, as well as you are. No one else could let your child’s love and light shine through the way you do. No one else could mother your dead child as bravely. No one else could carry this unrelenting burden as courageously. It is the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.
There is no one, no one, no one who could ever, ever replace you. No one. You were chosen to be your child’s mother. Yes—chosen. And no one could parent your child better in life or in death than you do. You have within you a sacred strength.You are the mother of all mothers.
So breathe, mama, keep breathing. Believe, mama, keep believing. Fight, mama, keep fighting for this truth to uproot the lies in your heart—you didn’t fail. Not even a little. 
For whatever it’s worth, I see you. I hear your guttural sobs. I feel your ache deep inside my bones. And it doesn’t make me uncomfortable to put my fingers as a makeshift Band-Aid over the gaping hole in your heart until the scabs come, if and when they do.
It takes invincible strength to moth a child you can no longer hold, see, touch, or hear. You are a superhero mama. I see you fall down and get up, fall down and get up, over and over again. I notice the grit and guts it takes to pry yourself out of bed every single day and force your bloodied feet to stand up and keep walking. I see you walking this path of life you’ve been given, where every breath and step apart from your child is a physical, emotional, and spiritual battleground. A fight for your own survival. A fight to quiet the insidious lies.
But the truth is, you haven’t failed at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
You are the mother of all mothers.
Truly, the most inspiring, courageous, loving mother there is—a warrior mama through and through.
For even in death, you lovingly mother your precious child still. 

Love,
Mary

Day by Day, Month by Month...

When I was pregnant with Hailey, I found the cutest monthly birthday stickers.  I immediately fell in love with the idea of sticking them on a onesie and putting Hailey through a mini photo shoot every month on the 15th.  Thankfully, I was given three months to do this with her.  Mike loved this moment with her as well.  The third month was one of our favorites because we were able to get some really funny facial expressions out of her.  H's personality was really beginning to shine at the end.

After Hailey passed, my sister came up with the best idea.  Why not continue our little sticker tradition, but attach the sticker to balloons and send them up to Heaven.  That was that.  Helen came over with 4 balloons (one even had her name on it) and Mike and I wrote her a little love note.  We went to her spot and sent them up to her.  We continued this tradition every month after that.  Some balloon releases were more difficult then others.  I remember at one, I couldn't let go of the balloons because it felt like I was letting go of her.  A lot of tears were shed and a lot of smiles were shared on our monthly balloon releases.  
This tradition of ours is something that I am so glad Mike and I did this first year.  It was healing and I love thinking that every month she received a bunch of balloons and a little love note from her mommy and daddy.

4 Months

5 Months

 

 6 Months

7 Months

8 Months

9 Months

10 Months

11 Months

The past 8 months brought waves of emotions.  Every major holiday was celebrated during this time. All of the things we had planned to do with Hailey, didn't get to happen.  Halloween came and went.  So did Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We celebrated Valentine's Day without our tiniest Valentine.  It wasn't an easy time, but we survived.  Mike and I came out stronger as individuals and as a couple.  Our lives continued and we were blessed with little moments of hope in the future that helped us continue on our journey.  As much as I missed having Hailey here physically with us during all of the big moments, I know that she was with us in spirit.  I feel her with me every day.  I see her in my dreams and hold her in my heart.  She calms me when I can't stop the tears and she laughs with me when I'm having fun.

She is my little Rae of sunshine that will always be there...even on the cloudiest of days.

Love,

Mary