It has been awhile since I have posted on the blog. I think I have been avoiding it because I knew what post was coming. This isn't an easy read, it's not a happy post, you may want to have tissues close by. This blog is my outlet, my release, my therapy. I may not have been posting on here, but I have been writing it down. I'm finally ready to make it permanent. To make it public. I hope in a way that my story helps someone who is going through something tough. I hope my story creates an awareness in others about SIDS and loss. I hope that my daughter lives on and Mike and I make her proud every day as she watches us from Heaven. All I can do...is hope.
She's just sleeping.
That's what it looked like as I laid on the hospital bed holding my baby girl.
She's just sleeping.
That's what I told myself when I got home to a quiet house that night.
She's just sleeping.
I couldn't tell myself that anymore when I woke up the next morning and went into her room with an empty crib.
She's just sleeping...with the angels.
Our story from the beginning...
The day was like any normal day. I was having some major allergy issues and was considering calling into work, but like always, I decided to power through it and try to make it to lunch. I got up and got ready. After fixing myself, I went in to Hailey's room to wake her up for the day. She was not a happy camper...typical. My girl was a sleeper! She loved to sleep in and was not quite used to my early morning work days. I fed her while listening to the Kidd Kraddick in the Morning radio show. She was such a good eater, even when she was sleepy. We got dressed and headed out the door for school. Typically, Hailey would fall back asleep on the drive to daycare, but as I looked back at her in the Starbucks drive through, she was awake :) This made mama very happy. I stuck my hand back there and she grabbed my finger. We rode to day care hand in hand while I rubbed her cheek. It was perfect.
When we got to school, she was still awake. We talked with Mrs. Debbie for a little bit and I told her I may be picking her up early since I wasn't feeling well. I wasn't sure if I was contagious or not, so I kissed her forehead goodbye and headed off to work. That was the only time I had ever left daycare and she was awake.
School was pretty typical. I wasn't feeling 100%, but I couldn't get a sub to cover me half day. I decided to tough it out. I was working with two of my struggling boys after school when I got a call from Debbie. It was only 4:09. I thought to myself, "I wonder what's up...maybe she's out of milk and is screaming her head off." When I answered it was Debbie's husband. He said, "Mary, I don't know how to say this..." With that statement my whole world changed. He began to explain that Hailey was down for a nap and when Debbie went in to get her up for her last feeding, she wasn't breathing. I don't remember much from that moment, but I think I just froze. I asked over and over what was happening and what I needed to do. He couldn't tell me much. Why? Because there wasn't much to tell. The paramedics were working on her and weren't explaining much to them. I ran out of my classroom and told my neighbor teacher I had to go and to take care of my students. I just stayed on the phone with nothing but background noise. I could hear babies crying. Every time I thought it was Hailey...it wasn't.
I've never driven panicked. Surprisingly, my focus was heightened. I was able to think through the fastest route to the hospital, what school zones to avoid, back roads to take, and I dialed in Mike on the phone. He was walking out the door to go pick her up. Walking out the door. I will never forget the panic in his voice when I explained what was happening. He still can't drive quickly through our neighborhood without getting anxiety because of that day.
Mike got off the phone when he got to the hospital. At that point, I didn't know what to do. I called my sister. She's working. She won't pick up. I pulled up to the hospital and ran through the parking lot. I called my mom. She will be there quickly. I get inside and every person I talk to knows something bad has happened. You can see it on their faces. They put me in a waiting room. Mike is back with Hailey. Finally, after what felt like 10 minutes, they take me back to the room.
There she was...my little baby. Lying on the hospital bed. Tubes, IVs, and doctors all around her.
She looks like she's sleeping.
Around 5:00pm the doctor came over to Mike and I and explained that with how long she has been without oxygen that the life she would have, if they were able to get her heart pumping again, would be very limited. There was no sign of brain activity or heart activity at that point. My girl was gone. We decided to ask him to stop. We didn't even have to talk about it...we just knew. He didn't give up though. He pushed one more round of epinephrine and gave it another try. No one wants to walk away from a baby, even if they know it's over.
At this point we were able to hold her. My parents had arrived at some point in the whole ordeal. I remember hearing them screaming for us in the hallway. We were there for awhile longer. The police came in a questioned us, our Pastor came and baptized Hailey, the medical examiner explained what was going to happen, our friends were there, family too, we gave them things to do and people to call. For the most part, all of this was done while Mike and I held her. It didn't sink in until the medical examiner had to take her away. I had kept it together until that point. How? It was like she was sleeping. I knew that she wasn't, but at the same time, I didn't. Leaving her was the hardest thing I had ever had to do up to that day.
Mike and I drove home together. My sister took my car and went to get us some food. Chick Fil A. I didn't think I could eat, but I did. Helen stayed with us for a little while and then went to my parents house. I remember sitting on the couch with Mike. We were watching The Big Bang Theory. It was odd how "normal" everything felt. Finally, we went to sleep.
Loosing someone that is your every day is the weirdest thing. That moment when you are home after everything you have been through and it just feels "normal" doesn't seem like it should be possible. Why am I not crying? I should be crying! I guess you just go numb. I went numb. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and wake up with my baby in her bed.
She wasn't there.
She still isn't there.
